25 September 2010

Muse

You'd think three years is enough to get you used to a place. To a new people. To a different culture, a different way of life.

It's been three years now. When I came here, I was depressed. Shit was happening. And the first few months here were like a bad dream.

I moved on. I came to live with my mediocrity. Oxford got better. Then it finished. The first job started. It finished. Now the second job's started.

I'm confused.

This place isn't home yet.

But then again, when I go back home, it feels less and less alluring.

I feel like I'm dissolving. Into nothingness. That I don't belong anywhere. I'm too Indian. I'm too melodramatic. I don't understand subtle intellectual humour. I still like getting wet in the rain. Yet in so many ways I'm not Indian at all. I can't suck up to superiors and act like a doormat. I can't haggle. I expect people to form lines and wait patiently for their turn. I get angry when things aren't done in as efficient a manner as possible.

I don't know.

I'm getting old. And life isn't getting any clearer.

3 comments:

  1. I can empathize with what you're feeling as I'm experiencing the same. Course I didn't leave the country but the feeling is the same. There isn't a place I feel that I truly belong to.

    I'm getting old. And life isn't getting any clearer.

    Sigh..

    ReplyDelete
  2. There are more out there. In this city. Who feel they don't belong here. Who are too 'Indian' for England, and yet are made to believe they are too anglicised for India. Who are fed up of their mediocrity, yet at a deeper and more philosophical level, love the mediocrity to bits.
    It has been three years for me as well. In London. And nice to hear I am not alone in this maze of where-does-one-belong. Some day our paths will cross. Till then, enjoy the journey.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi,I like your voice, although I have read only a few posts.
    It has 3 months for me in New York and I can already identify with what you are saying . This might never be home to me. But the home that was is no longer in me.
    I guess you can call me homeless ...
    hehe

    ReplyDelete