4 August 2007


I don't understand it. I've just given one of the best performances of my life, and I feel like crap.

I'm asking myself existentialist questions. Is there a point to being alive and not be loved, or even liked by those around you?

I'll tell you something. You know what a close friend is? Like a REALLY close friend? One who you can pour your heart out to at any time? Well, I've got one or two. But you know the other type of close friend who does everything with you? One who goes through pains to cheer you up when you're down? One whose presence feels like upliftment. One you plan month long excursions around the country with. I don't have anyone like that.

You know, a while back in my life a realized that I didn't have many friends. So I made a conscious decision to be more outgoing, accommodating and accepting. I decided that clubbing wasn't a bad thing, and grabbing a drink was sometimes desirable. Predictably, I made more friends. But I started to feel crappier.

And I'll tell you why. The people I regard as friends regard me as an acquaintance. Those that regard me as a friend regard me as a friend on the last rung, to be given last priority. It's like, I care for these people, I feel for them, I like being with them, but they don't give a rat's ass for me.

And they're good people, these. Mind you, I don't blame them for doing it. Cause, for them, I may actually only be incidental. They all already had their respective circles of good friends, and it's foolish of me to think that they'll let me in.

Something like that happened today. Lamba was hoisted onto shoulders by some people who I'd also call friends. Many of them didn't even come up to me to shake my hand and say 'well done!'. A few came up and gave me plastic smiles, shook my hand and quite formally congratulated me. One or two sent me text messages when I got home.

You know, I've been given a lot of talents. A decent amount of intelligence even. But god forgot to teach me the art of friendship. I can't socialize. I come across as a 'pompous ass' at first to almost everyone I meet.

There's no point living this life, is there? Maybe I should go back to being like I was as a kid. Engrossed in my own world. Of animals. Plants. Nature. Fossils. Evolution. The universe. Tabla. Singing. I somehow got into believing a few years ago that people and relationships are important. But they can't be, no? Cause if they are, then I'll never be happy in my entire life.

PS. Guess what song played at the end of today's Simpsons episode...
Pal bhar ke liye koi humme pyaar kar le
Jhoota hi sahi
Do din ke liye koi ikraar kar le
Jhoota hi sahi

Pal bhar ...
How appropriate!


  1. Hello Mr Sattvic, I really enjoyed your performance on Saturday. In fact the script was cutting edge (I don't know why I've started using such platitudes, but I mean it.) I saw that Simpsons episode too that morning, they impressively did the whole Apocalypse Now/Heart of Darkness well. And, well, about friends -- sometimes people are intimidated with other people's talents. I've seen that it creates quite a few fireworking indifferences. After a few plays in school (and a moderate poplarity along with it) -- I hoped to be an actor once. Now I'm a miserable hack. Well I guess being introspective counts, and be cool. Cheers dude!

  2. jeez jerry! you call yourself a miserable hack. if that's true, then i'm a penguin!!

    thanks for appreciating the play, though.

    ha, and i'd like to think that talents intimidate other people, but i kinda know in this case it's actually my lack of social talents that have led me into my current state!

  3. Hey there..

    I thought your performance was outstanding. But I've seen you before and you usually are =)

    On a more personal note, I think you should just celebrate who you are. As a person. As an actor. And trust that people care more than they unfortunately show sometimes.

    It may sound empty to hear that, but still.

    "I want you to levitate... sing with rapture.. dance like a dervish. try. because if you haven't tried... you haven't lived.. who knows. lightening could strike..."

    take care!

  4. Hey.. wow.
    I'm quite random .. and i usually am not quite the stalker or as random as this.... and i'm finding myself quite funny at this moment to be giving an anonymous comment. :P
    i came to this page from your facebook. because one of my friends saw your play .. last week and was over last night. and we searched for you . i know. how lame.
    but i didn't see your play last week. i saw it 2 years ago in vasant valley.
    and gosh it was amazing.
    and really.. i've done a few plays in school. and i really want to pursue acting. like really. but yeah no support you see ? well not from my family anyway. so i feel like shit too. but do i let it get to me ? NO! i go and write anonymously on peoples blogs :-) !
    haha now i feel like too much of a stalker. so i'll stop being random.
    okay so main point : YOU ROCK! ! ! ! and shutup about all this. one day the tables will turn and people will be killing to be your friend with whom you plan month long excursions around the country with.

  5. First off, I just want to say you were brilliant. Not PrettyBoy Lamba, not Whatshisface Karthikeya, but YOU. You were eloquent, expressive, allusive, had impressive comic timing..and you werent puking all over the place. Kind of cute too.
    Which brings me to my second point.I'm also gay. I knew from the time I was 15, but it's taken me two whole years to come to terms with it. I finally came out a few months ago. The Parents were great about it. They accepted it almost immediately. Wish I could say the same about my friends.Because I had always conformed to the norm. Been on the soccer and basketball team, gone out with cute airheads i was never really atracted to and just generally been such a "normal guy", it came as a shock to everyone. And not a pleasant one i'm afraid. I could divide them into 4 categories:

    1. The Sympathisers: These were the idiots (mostly my girl friends) who held my hand and told me it was all okay, that it was just a phase and that i should start counselling and therapy to grow out of my 'condition'. I'm sure they meant well, but fuuuuuck ,what ignorant bastards.

    2. The Assholes: These were the 'friends' who looked at me and laughed, saying "yeah, right.." Upon explaining that I was dead serious, they started edging away as fast as they could, mumbling stuff like "But, dude, you went out with girls" or "Shit, i never saw you wear pink or check men out" and one very voluble " Uhhh...but youre such a...guy!" None of them have approached me since.
    3. The Slightly-Lesser-But-Nonetheless-Assholes: These were ones who tried to laugh it off, saying "sure we can still be friends, as long as you dont hit on me or check me out or touch me in any way that could be deemed inappropriate. In fact, it would be nice if you didn't touch me at all."
    4. The Real Friends: These ones were amazing, they were supportive and accepting but the best part was that their attitudes towards me didn't change. Which was all i ever wanted really.
    Anyway, i don't know why i digressed enough to tell you my entire sob-story. I just had to tell you that i think you're amazing and that, crappy social skills or not, i would have loved to be a friend.

  6. WOW! ok, the last three anonymous comments have left me feeling quite nice about myself. thanks a ton to all of you. first off, i'd really like to know who the three of you actually are!

    @ anonymous #1
    you've seen me act before? wow. i'm quite flattered. seriously am. and yes, i do try to let myself go at times. i routinely sing with rapure and dance like a dervesh while i'm alone. it's a reat help. like a fantasy make believe world we build around ourselves when we're little kids. i haven't tried levitationg yet, though. and given my size, i don't think it'll be easy to manage it!! :)

    @ anonymous #2
    what's random about that? i do it all the time. i feel more people should do it more often. just search for people on the net.

    i hope you're right and the tables do turn, but even if they don't, i think i'll manage. see, my basic funda in life is that you're on the earth for a period of time, and the only way your existence can be meaningful is if you contribute to others' happiness. if my acting, or music or economics can give a little bit of joy to those affected by it, i'd consider my life well spent. friends are important, but after a point, its not the socializing that defines you, but how you affect other people's lives.

    and i'd very much like for you to see the play, especially considering that i wasn't part of the play you saw in vasant valley. we're performing a few more times. when exactly, we havent yet decided. stay in touch, and i'll see if i can sneak you in for one of the shows.

    @ anonymous #3
    firstly, thanks again.

    secondly, my friend, what you have recounted can by no means be classified as a sob story. you've been extremely lucky. you've come out at 17 (if my maths is correct), and that's WAAAAYYY earlier than most do. some can never come to terms with it their entire lives. they marry and have children and force an alternate sexuality upon themselves. and they die as frustrated, depressed shadows of the people they could have been. your parents took it well too. that's excellent. i've known people who won't tell their parents cause the parents believe it's some sort of sin or mental illness. i've known people who've had to leave their homes cause their parents wouldn't accept it. knowing that the people you love the most have it in them to disown you, that's a sob story. plus, man, you were in the soccer and basketball teams in your school. that has to be uber cool.

    as regards the friends aspect, it's an inevitability in a country like ours that some people don't react positively. most of the time, they just don't know enough, or they just refuse to reason things out logically. that just separates the genuine friends from the fake ones. i actually think it's a good thing.

    lastly, based on what you've written, I'd have loved to have a friend like you. but yknow, there's no known law of physics (or any other science, now that i think of it) which forbids us being friends from here on. ;)

  7. Ha, well, like they say, self pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics: it's addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.
    I think i read that on a t-shirt :D.
    But yeah, the world could do without a coupla lucky,loved gay whiners. Well then, that just puts me in my place doesn't it. Hehe. Anyway, m'friend, i acted on impulse and added you on msn. What with the sciences on our side and all, i figured we could actually end up being friends.

  8. Hey. I like what I've been reading. This is Anon 1. Ishita. Yeah, you know me!!

  9. Hey !
    Anon 2 ! :)
    I wish I could tell you :P but how embarrassing .. you'll think I'm an idiot.I know I'm being so immature.. dont judge me by it. I'm not like this usually... anyway. i saw your play. Now. so i finall-a-y gotta see ya.. and you were great :) loved it..
    and you lived up to my expectations. clearly the best . :-)
    anyway.to what you said. it is the way you effect other peoples lives that really counts at the end of it. you're right. something really embarrassing happened to me yesterday. and one of my friends told me something she heard today ( a reaction by the person concerned ) and i feel like such potty. like green smelly dirty potty right now. i could use some venting out :(
    aye. why am i such a self pitying loser. I'm feeling really horrible.

  10. Anon 2 contd. :
    But at least you can make a difference in someones life. by your performance , or your writing or whatever :'(
    and yeah , that in its self is probably the most uber cool thing to do .
    to make a difference.


  11. hello saattvic...its me meetali!!!
    heh heh
    so yeah sorry didn't come for the play but no this i personally do consider u in my top rung of friends and dont feel like i have to tell u that cos u shld no it...
    also i think u rock as an actor

  12. Well, firstly..truth be told, it is slighter easier on the shoulders to hoist Lamba up, yes?
    But i know what you're trying to convey and i'm not going to phsycho-analyze you or whatever, but you should know..loneliness isn't something experienced by the friendless. You could have a million people you call friends but still be lonely at the end of the day. Ask me.
    From what I've read, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and this is just a self indulgent, albeit touching, rant.
    I'm being rather harsh, but the truth of the matter is that you are, as you stated yourself, immensely talented (loved your performance incidentally). And the kind of superficial friendship you're seeking is just that. Superficial. True, there is something to be said about doing things you'll never forget with he people you'll never remember. Or is it the other way round?
    Oh dear, you've got me contradicting myself. What a waste of space. Okay, i'll get to the point.
    Yes, we crave for that which we don't have and friendship is very important and all that jazz. But with talents like yours, you'll find very few people right up there with you. I feel like you are the type who gets impressed by the psuedo intellectuals. Dont. They're all talk. Anyone can write beautiful words or talk eloquently. It's your actions that count at the end of the day. But you probably know that. So go on, use those actions. And while i dont guarantee you'll find friends lining up in droves, the few you'll find will be worth the name.

  13. (Almost) Happy Birthday, by the way.

  14. Well, since this has become a forum for asking you to be friends, then I might as well go ahead and do that.
    I haven't seen your play or anything, but I've read enough on this blog to know that I like you.
    And yeah, I'm gay too. You'll see when you visit my blog. And though I don't have any experiences to share about coming out (since I haven't done it yet), I'm preparing myself to pull off the band-aid soon. Let's see how that goes.